Over the last year or so I have learned something about myself that I am sure many of you will find quite odd... I've noticed that I can easily become obsessed over the strangest things to the point that it distracts me from other areas of my life that I should be thinking/concentrating about. Why am I sharing this? Perhaps you can relate or perhaps you can share some insight. Here are a few examples.
I mentioned in a previous blog I was a finalist to win U2 tickets + airfare to a concert this summer. When I realized I was a finalist, I found myself constantly thinking about how I could improve my odds of winning: maybe I could send a message to the radio station on facebook shamelessly begging them to pick me? Maybe I could call the station and tell them how appreciative I would be if I was selected? etc. What I am getting at is that I am guessing I spent more time thinking about winning this contest than any other finalist I was up against. I didn't win the tickets.
Another example. I recently applied to be on the show 'Survivor.' For whatever reason, it is the only show I truly look forward to watching each week. Ever since I entered the contest, I find myself randomly throughout the day (and while trying to go to sleep at night) thinking about how I could have improved my chances to win, how I could have made a better audition video, what I could have done differently, how I could... blah, blah.
I actually have a couple more examples, but I still want you to be my friend after reading this post so I won't mention them.. :-)
It is honestly to the point where I am feeling convicted about how much time and energy I spend thinking about these things that ultimatley have little, if any, eternal significance. A few years back a friend of mine confided in me how he hates how difficult it is for him to casually play a video game... "There is something in me that feels the need to perfect and master any game I play, regardless of hours upon hours it takes. If I don't master the game, it is like a splinter in my mind."
I guess the guilt I am experiencing comes from a realization that these things I am spending so much time thinking about are ultimately only about me... Perhaps it is the selfishness of these 'obsessions' that doesn't sit right with me.
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Oh man-this is soooo me! I have an obsessive personality AND OCD. I did the same thing just the other day about a video audition I sent out for Nehemiah for a show. It was a fluke thing & I told God I was just ganna send it and if it was his will, it would happen and if not-no biggy.
ReplyDeleteI sent it via "Yousendit" to the email I was told to send it to & I put a receipt on it so that when it is opened or downloaded, I get a message.
Long story short-days went by and it wasn't opened and I started freaking out-ditching my plan to let God sort it all out. I was debating calling the casting agency to see if they were going to be checking that email account (which is a huge no no-never call a casting office to improve your chances!)
I'm the same way even in my Bible study-I get on a topic or in a certain book and I obsess to the point that I start even considering absurd concepts within the text just to gain more perspective.
I think some people are just naturally more worrisome or anxious or obsessive than others and I'm not sure I think that's a bad quality. If it causes you to lose sleep or waste an abnormal amount of time, then yes, but everyone dreams of things that will never happen. It's part of the fun of being human. God likes us to dream I think. :P
I guess I think about it this way... If I were sitting with Jesus and he asked me what was on my mind (and being Jesus, he would already know), I would be embarassed to tell him. While I still feel like I didn't articulate myself very well in my blog, there is this odd sense of guilt I am feeling that I cannot put my finger on. I'm not saying all feelings of guilt are indicators of sin, however, I'm just not sure if my heart is 'in the right.'
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your thoughts/experiences Melinda.