I would love to hear your thoughts on this one, especially to those who are parents that happen to read this (but I don't discriminate). While I am not a parent, nor is Rachel pregnant, I often think about what it would be like to be a father and how I would parent.
With that said, there is a student at our church who is very talented at baseball. He is on the varsity team as a freshman and just played his first game the other day going 2-4 with a 1b, 2b, and 2 rbi's.... Not a bad start! Here is what I am thinking, if I am his dad, I would probably tell him at some point during the car ride (and every single day of his life) that "I am proud of you." But what if he is my son and he went 0-4 with 4ks? What if he committed 3 errors in the field, one of them allowing the game winning run to score for the opposing team? What if he played horribly? Do I withhold from telling my son that, "I am proud of you?" Is it wrong to link 'pride' with how my child performs during a sporting event? What does that teach him? I believe that telling a son that you are proud of them is equivalent, if not greater than, telling him that you love him.
Obviously, if my son came home to tell me he cheated on a test and stole money from a classmate, I would not tell him how proud I was... So when is it appropriate to say/not say such a powerful statement?
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That depends on what it is that you consider to be something worthy of praise, and what the Lord considers something to be praiseworthy. If a son stinks at baseball, but he doesn't pout about it, and doesn't slam his baseball bat down, that to me is something to be more proud of than hitting a home run. A boys skill, in my eyes, is not something to be "proud" of. (After all, a boys skill, whether good or bad, is only relative to the other children he is being compared to). His effort in practicing to be good at whatever he does is the thing that makes me proud. His sportsmanship, his honor and his humble attitude while he is doing the things that he does, now those are things to be proud of.
ReplyDeleteFor example: My oldest son is extremely smart. At only 4 years of age he can read, write, do math and memorize many scriptures. His talent, is something that has come from the Lord, and there is a part of me that is proud of him in a worldly sense for being, what? Smarter than most other children his age? My middle son, on the other hand is not as smart as Asher. He was late in talking and can't stay within the lines when coloring like Asher could at his age, but does that mean that I am not proud of him? Of course not. Both of my children make me very proud! When Asher, my oldest, tries real hard to draw a nice picture that comes out very well, and Aiden, my middle son, tries to draw a nice picture, and it doesn't come out right at all, I am equally proud of both of them. Why? Because I am proud of their spirits! I am proud of their effort! I am proud of their character!
My children have great spirits, and they try so hard to be good children. Asher knows so well (as he said to me today in fact) that he cannot be good on his own, but he needs God to help him. THAT is what I am proud of! I am proud to see the Lord in them. Period!
You just articulated what I have been thinking. I'm so happy for you and your family. Sounds like God has obviously been working in your heart and life.
ReplyDeleteMy kids are young enough that I have not had to grapple too much with the performance aspect of pride yet. I guess the pride I have is in who they are. The random things they say and do that make them who they are. From a different angle: I have always been "against" the "everyone's a winner," you get a trophy even if you suck vibe that is out there. But it is a struggle within me. How do I show that I love [have pride in] my kids without just lying about performance. If it was your son that went 0-4 with 3 errors and you said on the way home, "great job son, you played well." Wouldn't he think you were an idiot? I just don't want to give fake praise, but I do want to show love [pride in] my kids.
ReplyDeleteGreat point and questions. Again, while I am not a father, I can easily see the 'holes' in praising a child when they have failed at something. To me, this would reinforce a few things: 1. There is not a big difference between success and failure. 2. My child would learn to gradually ignore any praise if it was given cheaply.
ReplyDeleteSo what would you say if your kid went 0-4 w/ 3 strikeouts, or was the first out in the spelling bee b/c they misspelled the word 'dog?'
This is such a great post and question. I just dealt with this over the weekend and on Monday. Nemi spent the last 4 months preparing for a solo at contest and 1 is the best. he did not get a "1". he forgot a line of lyrics, and on another song, he said the same line twice. He beat himself up over it. I know he worked hard and it was a fluke of nerves, but he didn't handle it well.
ReplyDeleteThen Monday, he lost his first tennis match. He had such a bad attitude, another team member told the coach he was bringing down moral! When I picked him up he told me he was a loser. I wanted to say I was proud of him for trying, but I couldn't reward that behavior. He is good at certain things-acting, writing, music, being kind to others, but this was a new thing for him and in his mind he failed.
I think I failed too. I did tell him what he was good at and reminded him that he is a freshman and hasn't played sports since 1st grade soccer, but I quickly grew tired of the "poor me" attitude. (after 5 minutes) I wanted to tell him to suck it up, it's just a sport, who cares. (gasp! Just a sport???!!!!) I know guys don't understand that, but I am not competitive and I don't care about winning-especially a sport. If he wins something or books a commercial or a role in a play, I'm happy for him, but if he doesn't I don't care. SO I passed the buck to Vince who went in his room and had "the talk" about sportsmanship and showed him some tennis tips.
In the bigger picture I am more concerned with how my children treat others and their compassion level. I am also more proud to see them stand up for their beliefs or for others than to see them be successful at sports or fine arts because I know in the long run, those things will be more important in life.